DEAR JIMMY KIMMEL.

My mother's 60th birthday is coming up on August 24th, 2014 and being that she's had gifts for over 35 years from my brother (Lucas), sister (Tracy), and myself (Lucy) - we thought we'd try and give her something from someone she really loves - You. My siblings and I have often talked about trying to contact you for a signed photograph or some other autographed token for her and we thought that this milestone birthday would be the perfect opportunity.

She's a huge fan of yours much to the detriment of her children. Though we all enjoy your show and your hilarity, we absolutely hate hearing about you and your aforementioned show from our mom. I'm 29 (the youngest of the three kids) and when I politely requested that she stop making me Easter baskets this past year since I have my own child to dote on, I was subjected to a 30 minute monologue (far longer and much less funny than your monologues) about how you still receive Easter baskets from your mother . . . and for some reason I guess that means I will also continue to receive them. Thanks. 

A few days ago, I received a JibJab card of my family playing soccer against a team comprised of you and Ben Affleck. About 10 minutes later, I received another card with all the same superimposed heads . . . but she had changed up the teams.

This is a screenshot of you stealing the ball from my husband and son.

This is a screenshot of you stealing the ball from my husband and son.

 

Like I said before, we all love your show, but we hate being forced to watch YouTube clips of it whenever we have dinner at her house. On Mother's Day and her birthday, we tend to have to sit through the most because she knows we won't complain since we are there to celebrate her or whatever.

This video clip was stealthily filmed by my brother during our Mother's Day picnic this year - so rarely is there a topic of conversation that does not remind her of something you did or said:

 

She created a "Dream Team" (which is an imaginary sports team of celebrities you like...sounds even dumber when you have to explain it) and you were #1.


Email from my mom about her "Dream Team" November 20, 2012.

Email from my mom about her "Dream Team" November 20, 2012.


When asking her what she wanted for her birthday and Christmas last year, her list held only one thing: Titus - the basketball playing toddler. So that was super helpful for all of us. My brother bought her The Bourne Trilogy instead.

I've attached a spattering of some of the fun emails sent by Joni Kane that fill up the inboxes of her 3 adult children. Please help us make this a memorable 60th birthday please! She's a wonderful woman (despite the fact that she talks about you incessantly) and we would love to be able to pull off such a huge birthday surprise. It would make her so happy and she deserves it more than anyone I know - - 60th birthdays are for celebrity autographs, right? And maybe this will shut her up for awhile too.

Thanks so much for your time,

Lucy Kane